Living, Loving and Learning

A popular song from back in the '60s or '70s by Burt Bacharach was: "What the world needs now is love, sweet love / It's the only thing that there's just too little of / What the world needs now is love, sweet love / No not just for some but for everyone."

Only those embittered and disillusioned by failure in love would disagree with those words. We were created for loving relationship, without which we limp along in the shadows of life eking out a lonely existence. And even while living with others such people may live together alone apart—and die a little every day.

It may not be most desirable, but we can live without romantic relationships, but we cannot live healthily nor can we get our love needs met without being in at least one—and hopefully—several healthy relationships.

Furthermore, we can only love and be loved to the degree that we are known. As long as I hide behind a false mask, no matter how attractive and likable that mask may be, I will never feel loved, because my mask is not me. That's the person I'm pretending to be.

Moreover, as Sydney Jourard wrote some years ago in his book, The Transparent Self, "Every maladjusted person is someone who has not made himself known to another human being and in consequence he does not know himself. Nor can he be himself. More than that, he struggles actively to avoid becoming known by another human being. He works ceaselessly at it day and night. And it is work!"

So to be healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually—and to find loving relationships—we need to come out of hiding and be real.

So how do we do this ?

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us."

I have asked hundreds of people how many feel that they would like more love in their life. In response, most hands are raised. But when I ask how they can get more love, almost all answer, "By giving love."

Sounds reasonable and works wonderfully well as long as we feel loved. The fact remains, however, that we cannot give what we haven't got. In other words I can only give love to the degree that I have been and feel loved.

In my experience I don't think there are many principles I find so simple and yet so profound in its effect—and so difficult for people to grasp—than teaching how to grow in love so that they will feel loved and have more love to give.

Here's the principle: We love God because he first loved us. We love people exactly the same way—by someone first loving us!

Love is a lesson to be learned. We don't come into the world knowing how to love—only with the capacity to learn love. If we grow up and live with love, we will learn how to love and become loving. If we don't, we won't. That is, if we don't grow up in a loving home atmosphere, we won't learn to feel loved or how to love. We become what we grow up with.

If we grew up with less than adequate love, we need to get it now. So how do we do this? We can only feel loved to the degree that we are known. In other words, to fully love we need to be fully known for who we truly are. That's the scary thing that makes it so difficult for people to grasp.

I fear that if you know who I truly am with all of my fears, faults, and failures, you won't like me, let alone love me. However, if I am with safe, loving people the exact opposite is true. The easiest people in the world to love are people who are real—who are honest—people who are not hiding behind a false mask pretending to be something or someone they are not.

In other words, I learn love by being with safe people; that is, non-judgmental, non-advice-giving, and non-trying-to-fix-me people. If you are a safe, trustworthy person, as I allow you to see my fears, failures and faults and you don't judge me, tell me what I should or shouldn't feel, be or do, but accept and love me as I truly am, little by little I learn to love and accept myself in exactly the same way. That reprogramming of the mind doesn't happen overnight. It takes time, patience, and persistence. Try as I might there is no other way to grow in love. There is no simple, quick-fix solution.

The Power of a Creed

Creeds are principles by which to live. If we want to live worthwhile and purposeful lives, it pays to choose and believe in a worthwhile and purposeful creed. Many have been written by others. A well thought-out one was written by John D. Rockefeller, Jr. It is as follows:

"I believe in the supreme worth of the individual and in his right to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.

"I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty.


"I believe that the law was made for man and not man for the law; that government is the servant of the people and not their master.

"I believe in the dignity of labor, whether with head or hand; that the world owes no man a living, but that it owes every man an opportunity to make a living.

"I believe that thrift is essential to well-ordered living and that economy is a prime requisite of a sound financial structure, whether in government, business, or personal affairs.

"I believe that truth and justice are fundamental to an enduring social order.

"I believe in the sacredness of a promise, that a man's word should be as good as his bond; that character—not wealth or power or position—is of supreme worth.

"I believe that the rendering of useful service is the common duty of mankind and that only in the purifying fire of sacrifice is the dross of selfishness consumed and the greatness of the human soul set free.

"I believe in an all-wise and all-loving God … and that the individual's highest fulfillment, greatest happiness, and widest usefulness are to be found in living in harmony with His will.

"I believe that love is the greatest thing in the world; that it alone can overcome hate; that right can and will triumph over might."

We would all do well to read this creed often and practice it all year long.

Predestination vs. Free Will

Somebody said, "The difference between predestination and free will is: "Predestination is the hand you were dealt; free will is what you do with that hand." Good point.

While we weren't responsible for, nor did we have any choice in what gifts and abilities we were born with, we are totally responsible for what we do about discovering and developing these gifts and talents and for how we use them.

Furthermore, regardless of our background, which I acknowledge has a profound effect on us, with God's help and the support of encouraging friends, we can refuse to allow our past to determine our future and we can overcome much of our past, develop our talents, and become the person God wants us to be and do what we believe He wants us to do with our life.

It all boils down to choice. Either by conscious choice or by default we all choose what we want to become and do what we choose to do. As another has said, "Everyone is self-made, even if the rich are the only ones who will admit it."

Loneliness Is a Sad Affair

Loneliness Is a Sad Affair

"Loneliness," as Karen Carpenter used to sing so sadly, "it's such a sad affair." Indeed it is. It's one of the plagues of modern Western society.

Dr. James Lynch, a former medical researcher at John Hopkins, contends in his book, The Broken Heart, that loneliness is the number one physical killer today. It can literally break your heart.

"Using actuarial tables from ten years research, Dr. Lynch says that those who live alone—single, widowed, divorced—have premature death rates from two to ten times higher than individuals who live with others. Living alone, he says, does not necessarily produce loneliness, but the two are often related. Among divorced people, suicide is five times higher, fatal car accidents four times higher.


"People who live alone visit physicians more frequently than married people, and they stay in hospitals twice as long for identical illnesses."

It may not be the most desirable for everyone but we can live without romantic relationships, but none of us can live healthily without at least one or two healthy, close, loving relationships. Without such we limp along in the shadows of life, eking out a lonely existence … and die a little every day.

Dr. Lynch also reminds us that, "If we fail to form loving human relationships, our mental and physical health is in peril."

Besides one's family (if one has one) there's no better place to find love and a sense of belonging.

Here, too, one can find God—the only one who can satisfy our innate sense of spiritual loneliness. "To live apart from him," says psychologist, Dr. Norman Wright, "is the most pathetic loneliness of all."

Seeds of Faith

Seeds of Faith


"Whatever a man sows, that he will also reap."

It's true … what we sow is what we reap. If we sow seeds of bitterness, we will reap bitterness. If we sow seeds of disharmony, we will reap disharmony. But if we sow seeds of joy, we will reap joy, and if we sow seeds of love, we will reap love.

So whatever you do, be sure to plant the seeds of whatever it is you want to
reap.

WYSIWYG

WYSIWYG

In the computer world we're probably all aware of the initials, "WYSIWYG" (pronounced wissiwig) meaning "What You See Is What You Get."

In the real world it's pretty much the same; or it could be worded this way, "What you look for is what you find."

Steve Goodier in his book, Are You Living in the Past ? Shared how both the vulture and hummingbird fly over the same desert. The vulture sees rotting flesh. The humming bird sees colorful desert plants. Each sees and finds what it's looking for.

We do the same thing. What we hunger for and thrive on is what we look for and find. As Frederick Langbrige put, "Two men look out the same prison bars, one sees mud, the other stars."

If we hunger for evil, that's what we'll find. If we hunger for material wealth and possessions, that's what we'll seek after. If we hunger for illicit love, that's what we'll look for, see, and find, etc., etc. But if we hunger for righteousness that's what we'll pursue, and if we hunger for God, we will find him.

Mary Norman summed it up very well: "I've never seen the face of God / To draw it in a book / But I have seen the hand of God / It's everywhere I look."

It's true in that what we see is what we get and what we look for is what we find. It depends on what we hunger and thirst for.

I Have a Problem

I Have a Problem

A man went to visit a psychiatrist, or so the story goes, and said, "Doc, I've got two problems." The psychiatrist said, "Okay, tell me all about it." The man began, "Well, first of all, I think I am a Coca-Cola Machine."

The psychiatrist sat the man down and started therapy. For weeks, he gave it his best shot but nothing seemed to help. Finally, out of exasperation, the psychiatrist jumped up one day, took two quarters (25-cent pieces) out of his pocket, shoved them in the man's mouth, grabbed him by the ears and shook him till he swallowed them. Then he hollered, "Okay, now give me a Coke."

That's when the man said, "I can't, Doc. That's my second problem, I'm out of order."

Jokes aside, the only people who have a problem that anyone can ever help, and the only ones that God can help are those who admit, "I have a problem. I need help. I'm out of order." As long as we blame anybody else for the way we react to situations, we will never overcome our problems. What others do to me is their issue. This is not to justify what they have done. However, how I respond is always my responsibility. In other words, whatever bothers me is my problem/ issue and I need to resolve that.

Overcoming any problem means acknowledging that I have a problem, admitting what the problem is, seeking help to overcome it, and persistence to hang in until the problem is resolved.

When Your Boss Is a Jerk

At times at work we have to put up with a lot of nonsense unless we are willing to be fired. We go to work to do a good job and earn a living, not to have wonderful relationships (unfortunately). If your boss is reasonable, you might be able to discuss with her/ him that you feel you are being over-controlled and that this makes it difficult for you to give of your best.

However, control freaks don't usually appreciate being told this. They are very insecure people and overcompensate by controlling those around them.

At the same time, while it is important that we don't repay evil with evil, it doesn't mean that we allow people to mistreat or walk over us. If we are being mistreated or persecuted, that is one thing and we need to depend on God's grace to carry us through. But if we are being mistreated at work by a mean or nasty boss and can't do anything about it, we need to either depend on God's grace to help us cope graciously or look for another job.

Whatever you feel is best and right for you to do, the most important thing you can do immediately is to ask God every day to help you. There's no guarantee that this will happen, but if it does, it will not happen overnight and, with God's help, will take a lot of patience and grace on your part.