Guilt Throwers and Guilt Catchers

When we stop codependent caretaking, we can expect to get lots of flack, especially if we've been doing this for someone for a long time. They, too, are not likely to give up their overdependence without a struggle. Some will pout, some may "scream and holler" and some may get downright nasty. They are very adept at playing the "blame-game" and will do all in their power to make us feel guilty and/or ashamed.

Getting blame/ shame/ guilt thrown at us is bound to happen. But if we catch (accept) it, that's our problem and we'll need to work on that.

To stop catching these "fiery darts" we need, first of all, to see them for what they are and say kindly but firmly to the thrower, "You're not trying to make me feel guilty are you?" or "You're not trying to make me feel bad are you?"

They will deny it of course, but if we stop catching what they're throwing, eventually they will at least stop throwing it to us.

However, if we are blame/ shame/ guilt throwers ourselves, we need to admit what we are doing (as it is a way of "dumping our stuff" onto others) and take full responsibility for resolving "our stuff" (our own unresolved problems/ issues). And, if we are blame/ shame/ guilt catchers, we need to see this for what it is and stop allowing others to "dump their stuff" on us.

At times we may need to confront irresponsible people with the truth of their actions, but it isn't our responsibility to make them feel guilty.

Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

Way back in AD 10 Julius Frontinus said, "Inventions have reached their limit, and I see no hope for further development." Even Thomas Edison, the great inventor, was at times himself a doubting Thomas. He said, "Fooling around with alternating current is a waste of time." In 1934 Albert Einstein, of all people, declared, "There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will be obtainable."

For many of us if change doesn't compute with what we have seen or experienced, there can be a tendency for us to reject it.

Caretaking

Caretaking

Caretaking, when it is a symptom of codependency, is being so concerned about taking care of others that we neglect to take responsible care of ourselves. It's also feeling responsible for somebody else's happiness and for their negative feelings as well.

It is good to be kind to others, but when we do things for them that they should, could and need to be doing for themselves, we are not being helpful or loving. We are encouraging overdependence.

The bottom line is motive. The codependent caretaker may look like he is doing something for someone else but he's really doing it for himself—to be liked, to have others think he is wonderful, to feel needed and wanted, or trying to earn love. But love cannot be earned. It's a gift. If it has to be earned, it's conditional and isn't love—it's need.

One of the kindest things we can do for ourselves is to take responsible care of ourselves and be responsible for our own happiness. And one of the kindest things we can do for others is to allow them to do the same. This is a part of what I believe Paul meant when he said, "Every man shall bear his own burden or carry his own load."

Unexpected Strangers

Unexpected Strangers

Imagine you were an expert mechanic working on your car and along comes a stranger and tells you what you should do to fix it. What would you think and how would you feel? At the very least I'd question the stranger's reliability.

Unfortunately, it is true that we can't trust everybody and we need to be on our guard against deceptive and dishonest people. At the same time we never know who the stranger is that has crossed our path. He/she may be an angel unawares. Or he/she may be a person in need of a helping hand, an encouraging word, or just "a cup of cold water."

Dear God ...

please give me ...
eyes to see ...
ears to hear ...
and a heart ...
to sense ...
so that ...
I will know ...
when you have sent ...
a 'stranger' ...
to me ...
in my hour of need ...
or ...
if you have brought ...
into my life ...
a person ...
in need ...
of a helping hand ...
or a touch from you ...

Thank you for hearing and answering my prayerz.

Dark Night of the Soul

Dark Night of the Soul

Some Times are called "the dark night of the soul." Most of us go through such periods. Sometimes it's just life's circumstances that get us down such as having an accident, getting sick, being betrayed by a friend, or experiencing the loss of a loved one or a job, or because of an unresolved relational conflict. And sometimes we have no idea why we feel so down.

Whatever the reason, the difficulties we are experiencing may be God's wake-up call for us to put something right in our life, to help us grow, or to motivate us to get into a recovery or counseling program to overcome a depression that has lasted too long or to help us overcome an addiction—or even motivate us to change the direction of our life.

If you are going through "a dark night of the soul" be assured that God wants to use this time to help you grow and become a better and wiser person or to change some direction in your life. For me personally, I don't think I have ever made a major change in my life or work without it having been preceded by a "dark night of the soul" period. I mean, who wants to change anything when everything is going great ? Not me ! The "dark night" times leave me open to change and to God's direction.

However, no matter what we are going through, if our lives are committed to God, of one thing we can be certain, "The eternal God is our refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms."

Dear God ...
in any dark night ...
of my soul ...
and anguish ...
of heart ...
please help me ...
to learn ...
what you are seeking ...
to teach me ...
to hear ...
what you are saying ...
to me ...
and/or to know ...
what you want me to do ...
And give me the good sense ...
and courage to follow your bidding ...

Thank you for hearing and answering my prayerz.

The Right Word

The Right Word

Mark Twain said, "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."

When English poet Keats was writing a poem he asked his friend Leigh Hunt what he thought of the line, "A beautiful thing is an unending joy."

"Good, but not quite perfect," said Hunt.

"How about this?" said Keats, "A thing of beauty is an unending joy."

Finally Keats put it this way, "A thing of beauty is a joy forever."

"That," said his friend, "will live as long as the English language is spoken.'

May God help us to always speak the right word ? It doesn't have to be eloquent but it needs to be straightforward, genuine, and spoken in truth from the heart ! God put it just right: "Speak the truth in love."

Dear God ...
please help me
to say the right thing
at the right time
and always speak the truth in love
and keep my mouth shut
when I need to. Always.
Even when I'm ticked off.

Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer ...

Mindset Matters

Mindset Matters

There's an old parable that explains how three men were working hard cutting stone from large blocks of granite. When asked what they were doing, the first man said, "I'm making bricks." The Second man said, "I'm cutting stones for the foundation of a large building," while the third man said, "I'm building a cathedral."

All three men were equally capable and doing the same work, so which man's work do you think would have been the most fulfilling? What mattered was each man's thinking about the purpose of the work he was doing. It wasn't his aptitude that made the difference—it was his attitude—his mindset !

One's attitude will determine the direction and purpose of one's life. The purpose of one man might be to make lots of money, while the purpose of another might be to help build the lives of the people he is serving. One woman may see housework as a burdensome chore while another does it joyfully because she is doing it for the ones she loves. It's their mindset that makes the difference.

If we want to end our life with a sense of fulfillment, it will be our mindset now that will determine how we end.

The Whale—Gratitude

"If you read this front page story in the San Francisco Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, and a line tugging in her mouth.

"A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallon Islands (outside the San Francisco Golden Gate bridge) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her.

"They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around as if she was thanking them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The man who cut the rope out of her mouth said her eyes were following him the whole time, and he will never be the same."

May we, who have been set free, like the divers who set the whale free, do everything we can to help others be freed from the chains of sin.

Dear God
thank you
that you are
the only one
who can set me free
from the chains of sin
Please use me
to help
bring others
to you
so that
they, too,
can be freed
from the chains
of sin.

Thank you for hearing and answering my prayerz ...

What I See Is Who I Am

Ken Crockett, in his book, I Once Was Blind, But Now I Squint, shares the experience of Pastor Ed Manning who told "about a situation when a woman approached him to ask a question. As she drew closer to him, he tipped his head back to look through the bottom lenses of his bifocals to focus on her more clearly. 'There you go again!' the woman exploded. 'You stick your nose up in the air every time I talk to you! Who do you think you are? I'm sick of your arrogant attitude!'

"Manning was taken aback by her outburst of anger. 'You don't understand,' he explained. 'I'm not sticking my nose up in the air at you. I just can't see you when you get near me. I'm tilting my head back so I can see you through the bottom half of my bifocals.'"

Sound familiar ?

Blaise Pascal said, "We view things not only from different sides but with different eyes." Or to put it another way, "We see things not the way they are, but the way we are."

For instance, if I have unresolved anger, I will see things through angry, critical eyes. If have unresolved fears, I will view things through fearful eyes. If I have a negative attitude, I will look at things through negative eyes. If I am insecure, I will see things through insecure eyes. If I am a jealous person, I will view things through jealous eyes. If I am a cheat, I will see things through cheating eyes, and so on.

Whatever I see—the way I see it will always be twisted to match my distorted perception of reality and in so doing I will rationalize my every thought and justify my every action. A very unhealthy and self-defeating way to live.

what I see is who I am. It is equally true, if I am a loving person, I will see things through loving eyes.

Choices

Michael Josephson of Character Counts shared how, "two young men in Florida removed a stop sign and brought it back to their fraternity house as a trophy. A fatal accident occurred at the sign-less intersection and the men were convicted of manslaughter.

"In Tennessee, a couple of teenagers were in a high-rise building and one took a dare by the other and slid down a trash chute in the hall—right into an automatic trash compactor. He died and his friend was traumatized, possibly for life.

"What makes these stories all the more tragic is that we're not talking about bad kids; we're talking about fundamentally decent kids who made really bad choices."

Good people can make bad choices just as bad people can make good choices. The fact is we are all the sum total of all of our past choices. Our past was shaped by the choices we made in the past. Our future will be shaped by the choices we make today.

Let us be certain not to make our choices by default, but by very careful and prayerful planning, for the choices we make will make us—for time and eternity.

Imprisoned by "Shoulds"

Do you always do what you truly want to do, or do you give in to other's wants because you are afraid to say no?

Are you swayed by what others think because you fear you won't be liked if you don't do what they want or think you should do?

A part of growth and maturity is recognizing our legitimate needs, taking responsibility for getting them met in healthy ways, and by being our own person in that we are being true to ourselves and not allowing ourselves to be controlled by what others want, think, or expect. The healthy, mature person makes decisions on the basis of what he/ she knows is right for him/ her. While we don't give in to others' demands, it doesn't mean that we never give in to their wishes. It means that we do what we choose to do, not because somebody else says we should, but because we want and freely choose to do so. Living by others' "shoulds" will imprison us!

Learn to listen to your heart. Your heart knows what you want and need. Learn to say no to others' demands when you know that to say no is the right thing for you to do. Allowing ourselves to be controlled by others' demands and "shoulds" also makes us angry inside.

Remember, without the freedom to say "no" our "yeses" are meaningless.

We can learn to listen to our heart "deep down inside us" and trust it. I was taught that I could never trust my feelings (heart). Wrong. I have since learned that I can always trust my feelings. What I can't always trust is my interpretation of them. However, with practice I'm getting much better at it, and believe I am a much wiser, healthier, and more mature person as a result.